Seriously, what in god's name are you wearing?

If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times(clever little american expression, doesn't even make sense)...but honestly, I've said it time and time again (ha, i'm on a roll here:) No, all jokes aside, it's like beating a dead horse (I'm stopping I swear. I didn't even plan this part of the blog it just kind of snowballed into this incredibly unnecessary waste of your time...

I'll carry on.In my very brief Christmas shopping time at the mall this year I was absolutely flabbergasted at the ungodly things people put on their bodies and call "clothes". First and foremost, we need to have a serious conversation about the Ed Hardy trend that is taking over the middle-american person's wardrobe. The faux tattoo print and studded heart thing is atrocious. They are ugly as sin. And you bat-shit crazy people pay a hefty price for those white-trash looking articles of clothing?! Gotta stop. It's completely unacceptable. And you're only wearing it because it's "trendy". No one in their right mind actually thinks that shit is attractive.

Secondly: and this one goes out primarly to women between the age of 35 and 50. There is a large gap between vintage and expired. Just because you bought something at a thrift store or saved it from 82'(pre-offspring years, you know, back when you were three sizes smaller and jeans up to your tits were in style.) doesn't make something "vintage". We've all heard the term "mom jeans" before. I prefer to refer to things like "mom jeans" or "puffy paint shirts" as EXPIRED. It's like an old gallon of milk or three week old lunch meat, ladies. Throw that shit out. And please don't get me wrong, men are guilty of sporting expired clothes all the time. Those light denim jeans that are too big in your bathing-suit area and have a giant hole in the ass belong on the homeless guy you just bummed a cigarette to. Expired. And throw out that old band t-shirt from a concert you didn't even go to that barely fits and has a permanent stain on it. Expired.

90's grunge should never have reemerged. no reason for it. Kurt Cobain is dead so quit trying to impress him.

Bare-midruffs are acceptable at the beach or any other destination where it is necessary for you to wear a bathingsuit. Intentional bare-midruffs at any other juncture are horrifying. No one, and I mean NO ONE at publix, the post office or the the local farmers market wants to see your belly button and stretch marks. No, really, they don't.

and last but certainly not least (ha, threw one in at the end there, ya see that?;)
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR PANTS?! that's a tunic or a long t-shirt. It is NOT a dress. your dimply ass-cheeks are exposed and it's 50 degrees outside. Unless you're...no, wait. Let me stop right there because there is absolutely NO excuse to wear something so short that I can almost see your baby-maker. Go home and put on a goddamn pair of pants.

Now, I'm no fashionista, so don't get me wrong. My daily uniform consists of jean cut-offs, a cut up t-shirt and a pair of boots. But I am not going out of my way to wear something "trendy" or "hot" only to look like an Ed Hardy store threw up on me or like I'm about to go turn tricks on the corner of OBT. Take a good look in the mirror before you step out next time because you'll never know when I'll be around to observe and then write a blog about it;)

Merry Christmas:)

oh ay gah, cah I geh lie a sraherry in iss chamagne?!

I just wanted to point out to people that it is in fact necessary to close your mouth and use your lips in order to create the sound of a consonant while talking. I am perplexed at how some women (well, I'm trying to be polite but really they're dumb bitches) don't close their mouths when they talk and subsequently babble like fucking idiots. HELLLOOO?! you sound like a retarded monkey with a piece of candy in it's mouth. And why on earth are you talking with that high-pitched tone? You don't really talk like that. No one does. It takes more effort for you to talk like that than it would for you to talk normal. Were you just wondering why everyone in the bar is staring at you? I bet you think you're hot and they are all just checking you out, even the women...damn, you're good. WRONG! it's because you're talking like an asshole, so quit it...

smiley face:) (shit eating grin...)

alert the media

to the man who gave my friend Jen an hour of shit because you don't know proper wine etiquette and attempted to send back a perfectly delicious bottle of reserve wine because you didn't like it: may you and your idiot friends rot in hell:)

that's all for now...

yours truly,

 Sweetcheecks Delaney (cuz' i'm so nice an' stuffs'.)

here comes the fucking bride...

Every little girls dream...the dress, the church, the flowers, the ring and most importantly the wealthy, semi-attractive and horribly un-interesting man (with "old man" breath) that you'll get to spend the REST of your life with. Aaahhh, marriage. Forever wedded in "Holy Matrimony". Whatever the fuck that means.

Okay, I'm sorry. I realize that the previous statement is unecessarily bitter and sarcastic and probably provoked by the fact that I actually had those "dreams" at one point in my adolescent days before I realized a number of things about myself and the world around me. I understand the idea and the importance of "being married" and taking your committed relationship to the next and ultimate level. But the spectacle and hooplah surrounding weddings and marriages these days is absolutley mind boggling and down right disgusting if you ask me, but I guess no one did, huh?

I was recently a bridesmaid (which I'm sorry but the word alone is a kick in the taco; it essentially means "a person in a secondary position who never quite attains a goal".) So what do you say when someone asks you to be a bridesmaid? Thank you or fuck you? Allow me to provide you all with one of my ever-so-helpful disclaimers: I adore all of my friends who have ever asked me to be a bridesmaid in their wedding. I would do it time and time again for anyone who I loved. I am merely expressing my innermost thoughts in regards to the circuses that people are calling "weddings" these days. First, there's the engagement party, then the engagement party for people who missed the initial engagement party. Then there's the bridal shower for close family and friends. Followed by the bridal shower for people who you feel "obligated" to include. (seriously, don't even fucking think about saying anything about my unessecary use of quotations. I am well aware of my purposeful and excessive grammatical errors. This is a stupid blog not the goddamn Wall Street Journal and I'm certainly no Jane Eyer.) After the bridal shower there's the costly and embarassing bachelorette party where you discover which of your "friends" are capable of working a stripper pole about as well as their Daddy's can shoot a birdie on the 18th hole at the local golf resort. (where they are undoubdetly having an affair with the underage cocktail waitress.) And who could forget the Bridal Luncheon? What the fuck is a luncheon? a lunch that goes on for eons? I can only imagine that water with cucumber sandwhiches are involved. Along with light pink dresses and red lipstick. And please dear god (who isn't real) don't forget the rehearsal dinner. What could you possibly be rehearsing? This isn't fucking broadway. You don't need to learn 14 Bob Fosse routines people! On top of all of these pre-ceremonious ceromonies you have the ultimate ceremony...THE WEDDING. This is where you spend the entire day "preparing" for "the big day". Did you know that people actually clap at weddings? clap. they clap, they applaud. They applaud for the new married couple as if they were a pro sports player who just scored a home run. (which also makes absolutley no sense to me at all either. why the fuck do I want to sit and watch some tall, bowling-ball shouldered man throw an orange ball into a stupid net for two hours?)

Well, I think that I have driven my point home in a crass yet graceful manner. So I'll quit while I'm ahead. (and believe you me((<--dumbest saying ever) I could go on forever). To make a not-so-long story short: weddings have become ridiculous to an obscene level. No one wants to watch you stand in front of a church for more than 10 minutes. No one wants to celebrate your love for half a year. If you have good friends and family they will celebrate your love perpetually. You don't need an audience of acquaintances to validate your love and future together.

until next time,
the most bitter bitch in the universe:)